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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What's so different this time?

Trainer Nate has been questioning me of late, he's quite fascinated with the whole process of what it was that changed for me, got me going on this journey of mine.  He often tries to ask me these questions while I'm skipping or doing lunges with 20kg weights.... not an easy feat to respond let me tell you! :D

The thing is it's a relevant and interesting question for which.... I don't have a definitive answer.  I've started many a program and diet over the years, Weight Watchers, Lite n Easy, Body4Life, magazine diets, low carb/high protein (Atkins style), I've read book after book, I've even had what most would consider a measure of success, I have more often than not lost weight on these programs or diets, but then I've fallen off the preverbial wagon, skipped a couple of days exercise and just found the whole thing too difficult to bother with and back down the rabbit hole I have fallen, regaining any lost weight plus more to boot.

I've also been the utmost Queen, or King even of excuses.  I can't, I'm lazy, I can't be bothered, I'm too busy, it's too hard, I'm just meant to be this way, it's genetics, whatever.  And then there's other people's comments I've further used as my own excuse, the big one being well you are tall, you carry your weight well.... Have you seen my before shot?  I definitely am not carry my weight well by any stretch of the imagination!

So why is this time different?  Why have I been able to lose more weight than ever before, why have I been able to continue on for the longest period of time ever, why have I been able to pick myself up after taking a couple of days off or eating that Lindt bunny that I shouldn't have and keep going.  I don't think there is one defining answer, I just know that something has shifted inside me.  I finally got real with myself, I finally flushed my own bullshit down the toilet with a wave goodbye, I finally understood the health ramifications I was heading towards, I finally embraced getting out of my comfort zone, mentally and physically to help me become more comfortable and confident than I have ever been about myself.  I just got up and started doing it.  And for some inexplicable reason, when I don't do it know, I miss it, so I go back to keep doing it.

I finally let myself feel my pain I'd been shovelling down with food, and the reward was that I also began to feel a happiness I've long forgotten.  I still don't know exactly why this time is different, I just know that it is.  Maybe it's an accumulation of a lifetime of experience, maybe it's just the time it's meant to be for me, who knows.  Maybe it's not for me to question so significantly but just to accept and roll with. 

I look at it like this, I finally got out of my own way and the success I've had is undeniably amazing.  I've had achievements to be proud of over the years, but these days I feel proud to be me, I feel proud to represent the memory of my mother, and all that she taught and instilled in me, the legacy she left behind for me.

I'm no longer scared, I no longer feel the need to hide away behind my weight, behind food.  I don't know what it was exactly in life that made me start to think I wasn't worthwhile, but I know these days I am worthwhile, I do deserve happiness, I do deserve to be healthy and live and fullfulling life.  And these days I am out there grabbing it with both hands.

Do you know what changed for you?  Why have you embarked on a journey to health and weightloss (or more importantly fat loss).  Are you achieving your goals in a way you never have before, do you know why?  I've babbled enough about me, what about you?

1 comment:

  1. Ok, this is going to be a long comment. You should totally not ask questions at the end of your blogs!!

    I started CK in March 2009 and it was the first time I had EVER made the concious decision to lose weight. The first.
    I have never tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, or anything like that. It was the first time that I have ever admitted to myself that I am overweight and need to change something about it.

    I have seen people on fad diets, but no one close to me. My mother is overweight, but she just doesn't care. She doesn't diet, she doesn't get on weight watchers or anything like that.
    My friends mother fails miserably every few months on weight watchers, jenny craig or lite n easy. All places where they do your thinking for you, from what I can tell.

    My trigger was actually Superman. I realised that, being single, I needed to make better first impressions. I wanted someone to look at me and say "wow" instead of thinking of me as a "mate". You know, one of the boys. They are comfortable talking to you, but not dating you. You're their best mate.

    I have just about broken that "friend-zone" thing. Actually, I wrote a big post about this at the start, I should go find it for you. Shows the difference in the emotional place I was in then, and how different it is now.

    I have stopped being one of the boys. Yeah, fine, I am still the only chick who knows more about cars than most blokes. I love my footy and car racing, but now, I appreciate a sexy pair of jeans, a good set of heels, and I can wear makeup without looking like a clown. I even have a few dresses in the cupboard, they don't appear often, but they are there. I haven't made the transition to skirts yet, but I am sure it won't be too far away... well, not to work anyway, because while I am working in construction, it ain't gonna happen!!!

    So, now it's me that's done enough babbling...
    Happy Hump Day :)

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