Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Feel the fear and do it anyway...

One of the major things I uncovered on my journey thus far was how I numbed myself with food.  I mean I knew it all along really but the gravity of what I was doing only became apparent in the last 12 months. 

What I uncovered was although I was numbing my pain, fear and saddness, I was also numbing all my other emotions, happiness, joy, elation...  and I realised this when I stopped medicating myself with food I began to really really feel those emotions, I know I have come out of my shell more, I know I feel happier and thus I am a happier person in general, and also find that things that bothered me before don't bother me as much as they used to.  Not to say I don't get bothered, but I like to think I don't sweat as much of the small stuff as I used to.... :)

But with every great revelation comes the downside, that time you know is coming, when you something will happen in your life and you will actually have to feel it, feel the pain, the fear and the saddness.  And my time has come.

I don't want to go into the nitty gritty details, suffice to say there is something in my life I need to let go of.  I always knew one day I would have to but I was not prepared for it to be now.  However I don't have a choice.  It is was it is and now it's ending.  And I am sad and scared and admittedly it hurts somewhat.

Yesterday in a panic I found myself at Gloria Jeans eating caramel cheesecake for lunch.  I let it numb me for a moment each bite seemingly calming me, until I was finished and then for the next hour and a half I simply felt a bit sick... (that's new!) I knew I had a choice I could spiral out of control and curl up into a shell or I could ask for help.  I knew I didn't have the capacity to push myself, so I put a 911 call out to my trainers.  I went home, had a cry, got changed and headed off out of the house away from the fridge to some mindless training where someone told me what to do for an hour and I just did it.

I'm still feeling sad, I'm not going to get over it in a day, but that's the point, I'm letting myself feel it.  No hiding, no more numbing, just going through to the other side, where I know the sun will be waiting all the more brighter!

And to top it off I have some amazing friends and a support system I know I can count on.  I know now if I can't push myself I have people I can contact in an emergency to come push me.  Even if it means driving for an hour across Sydney to get to a session.

So I share this with you, for you all to see, it's not all good, sometimes there is the bad, but even in our misery there are still choices we make, and we still are the only one's making them.

I wish you all a good week! :D

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